Is it possible to have great work-life balance? This question has been plaguing me recently. I’m finding myself becoming increasingly frustrated with feeling like a failure at all my jobs while desperately clinging to the edge of the mountain that consists of my responsibilities.
I’m sitting in a park as I write this. I had a client cancel a meeting so I have an hour before I have to head to my next case. The sun is shining, it’s 70ish degrees out and the breeze is blowing steadily and I can smell the leaves as they fall off the trees. In other words, pure perfection. All I can think about is saying, “screw it!” and staying here all day. I would LOVE to have my daughter with me right now. I can picture her so clearly toddling around this little area and then running down the trail next to me.
I’ve been feeling so burnt out the past few weeks. Changes at work have kept me in a constant state of scrambling. Normally I’m pretty good at going with the flow, but I just don’t have it in me right now. I want to blame months and months of sleep deprivation. I’m sure that’s part of it, but I have this other voice constantly nagging at me. It’s telling me, “After this week I’ll be able to catch my breath.” Y’all I’ve been saying that for the last DECADE.
That voice is a liar. I’m over it. I think that’s what really underneath it all, nags at me. I want to be done. I want to focus on my family. I want to spend the teeny tiny bits of time I’m home and not with Adaline on things I enjoy and find relaxing (like gardening and writing on my poor, neglected blog) . Instead of being glued to my laptop working.
I haven’t been proud of my parenting the past few weeks. I’m snippy with Adaline and struggling to maintain calm when she melts down. Which is about every 5 minutes because toddlers be crazy. Their emotions are bigger than their understanding and self control. They need you to remain calm when they can’t and help them through their feelings. Yet, all I can think when this happens is, “Seriously, I can’t get anything done. I’m never going to get (fill in work task here) done on time.” This is not the mom I want to be. Even when I tell myself it’s only a chapter of my life and I will be able to stay home at some point, it doesn’t help in the heat of the moment.
I know right now the extra work is so long term I can stay home. Yet all I’m left feeling is like a failure as a mom AND as a Behavior Analyst. I commend the moms that “do it all”. But, right now, I just don’t want to. Saying that hurts my pride a little, but it’s just reality. I don’t believe in only showing the shiny, polished parts of life. That isn’t real. Life is in the raw ugly moments too.
I’m more than grateful for my job and the opportunities it’s afforded me, but I have my eyes set on another job I’d like to do full time. Praying God gives me the patience and perseverance to put in the work now so we can reach our goals as a family. 💜
Help me feel less in despair. What are some strategies you use to balance all your roles?