I screamed at my daughter the other night. I mean *screamed* at my daughter. Completely and utterly lost my cool. You know why I screamed at my daughter? She screamed at my son for crying. Is that the definition of irony? I wish I could record the way she screams and embed it into this post so you could momentarily hear what a scream that could shatter glass sounds like coming from her little body. Actually, I would never do that to you as I would lose every single follower I have gained. My daughter has the vocal range of Mariah Carey.
I could sit her and type up an entire list of reasons for my behavior and many of you would validate them. I had a hormonal headache for two days that nothing relieved. When she screamed, it felt like I was being stabbed in the temple with a knife. I immediately saw stars and it intensified my headache to a degree where I thought my eyes may actually explode out of my head. I’ve been sleep deprived for the past four years and on and on. Sure, these are obvious factors as to why I immediately lost my ability to stay calm, but they are no *excuse*. There is no true excuse, she deserves better. How ridiculous that I would reprimand her like that for doing exactly what I was doing in that moment.
Have you ever felt instantaneous guilt? I like to keep this blog, PG or I would use very colorful language to explain what a piece of excrement I felt like the second after I reacted this way. It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the floor, spat on it and then ran it through a meat grinder. All I could think was, “how much damage did I just do?”
So what happened next, you may be wondering? Well. I went and grabbed the glass of wine I had poured myself about two hours earlier. It had about half a dozen dead fruit flies in it that I have been attempting to rid my house of the past few weeks. I swore, dumped it down the drain and poured myself another glass. As an aside, do you ever feel like moments of your life could be in an episode of Seinfled?
Here is the entire point of this blog post and why I’m willing to share this ugly, raw moment with you. When I went back into my daughters room to read her bedtime stories, I apologized and meant it. I told her I was very sorry for overreacting and that it was not okay for me to raise my voice so loudly to her. I told her she deserves my respect and understanding, just like I tell her, her little brother deserves from her when he is upset. I told her mommy would continue to try and do better so I am setting the best example for her and helping to show her ways to stay calm when she is feeling overwhelmed.
Something we do not discuss enough in our culture as parents is how to show our children respect. How to normalize apologizing when we mess up as parents. Sometimes we expect so much from our children that we don’t even require from ourselves. We lose our minds the moment a child has a bad day and demand they plaster on a happy face. We expect our children to do something simply because, “I said so!” How about we make an effort to get on their level and teach them why we are asking them to do (or not do) something. We tell them not to name call or bully and then spew vile words towards each other on social media because we have different opinions.
I will never be a perfect, mom, wife or person because I am human. I can, and you can, however actively try moving forward to be forgiving to not only others, but ourselves. We can be quick to apologize when we’ve hurt someone intentionally or not. We need to model and speak these words into our children if we ever expect them to embrace these skills themselves.
Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Proverbs 28:13.