Changing the Narrative around Motherhood: Part 1

When I had my first child 5 years ago, I joined all the online mom groups. One for the specific month and year of birth, local area moms, Christian moms, crunchy mom groups, local crunchy moms, first time moms, gentle parenting. All the groups. Five years later I believe I am down to two groups from probably close to 20. Part of this has come with motherhood experience and not feeling the need for as much support for the plethora of questions that incessantly plague a first time mom.

The two groups I have remained a part of and active in are groups that have women who cheer each other on and lift each other up when someone hits bottom. Women who provide comradery and share the joys of motherhood. Women who, when someone is in a season where they feel depleted and as if they cannot keep their heads above water, they join together to provide concrete suggestions and solutions. They offer compassion without treating themselves or others as “victims” of motherhood and speaking about their children as if they are villains to defeat (albeit some days will have you wonder).

When I joined all these groups, I thought it would be a great place to find support and encouragement, which I did. Over time though, I couldn’t help but notice the toxic trend of disrespecting our children and trying to one up each other with how awful our kids are. There was joking and name calling and utterly gross things said about innocent children. I’m sure much of this was meant to be funny, but it just doesn’t land. Overall, it seemed the theme of many of these groups were, “Kids are jerks that go out of their way to make your life miserable and you are stuck in this hell on earth until you can kick them out at 18.” There was more complaining and seeking validation for said complaints than looking for genuine ways to improve issues. Suggestions were almost always met with excuses. Frankly, most of the complaining and anger towards children was surrounding children acting like, well, children.

Motherhood is so dang hard. This is no secret, it is exhausting on every single level. I would be a liar if I said I never day dreamed of running away for 24 hours so I could sleep for more than 2 consecutive hours and go more than seven minutes without someone asking for a snack. There are days you will feel like quitting. I don’t believe we should try to hide this part of motherhood. I also don’t think we should seek to glamorize it either and wear the hardships like a badge of victimized honor. The toxic mindset that is on all our feeds, placed jokingly in sitcoms and everywhere else you look saddens me. Motherhood is looked at like a burden that requires excessive drinking to get through the day. Don’t get me wrong, I love a glass of wine or a nice cocktail, but mommy wine culture only adds to this negative mindset.

How would our children feel if they knew their parents were speaking about them in such horrible ways? I’m sure many of these children have had negative comments said to their faces. These words will echo in their minds forever. We may think that something flies over their head or they don’t understand. But, it amazes me the things my children will say and the memory they have about things I said in passing.

It is time to change our mindset and language around our children. This doesn’t mean we don’t vent or ask for support from other moms and friends. We shouldn’t hide when we are feeling overwhelmed, touched out, annoyed or discouraged. Certainly, we shouldn’t be timid about seeking professional help for things like postpartum depression or anxiety. But how about we stop with the degrading name calling and disrespect towards these little humans who are just trying to figure this crazy world out?

Speak love over our children. They will become what we speak over them.

Let’s put on love. Colossians 3:14.

Part 2: Why changing the narrative is so important coming soon.

Disclaimer: It goes without saying, but I will say it anyway because the internet is wild and I want to make it abundantly clear. I am not espousing that we put on fake smiles and pretend that parenting is easy or that our kids don’t ever annoy us. Much of my blog is about just that, finding beauty in the hard and mundane. I am not suggesting that we should not share the highs and low, lows of parenting with others who can commiserate and support us. Please understand though, there is a difference between venting, “I feel so burnt out because…” and calling your child a “crotch demon” or any of the other nasty and gross things I have personally seen mother’s say. I am also not trying to gloss over the fact that so many mom’s out there have zero support or help. That’s an entirely different discussion altogether. What I am referring to is the overall attitude and tone towards parenthood in general. It needs to change.