The Magic of Being in the Trenches

In today’s rush we all think too much, seek too much, want too much and forget about the Joy of just being. -Eckhart Tolle

A few evenings ago, just like every other night, I went through my bedtime routine with Adaline. Bath. Boob. Put her in bed awake.

Now, after months of this routine, she goes down on her own for naps and bed. It may take a few minutes, but she puts herself to sleep. Don’t get too jealous after reading that. She still wakes two times a night to nurse and if she sleeps in until 6am it’s late.

The other night. We went through the same routine and she just couldn’t settle herself to go to sleep. I gave her about 10 minutes to try and fuss herself down. Once she started crying though my momma heart had to scoop her up. As I sat there rocking her to calm her down and ease her to sleep, it dawned on me how long it had been since I’ve had to do this.

Nine months old. “The other night.”

During that “fourth trimester” and even a bit beyond, I had to hold her for at least half her naps or she just wouldn’t sleep. I was also nursing her to sleep and then transferring her to her crib with the delicacy I assume bomb technicians use when diffusing a device. I remember rocking her and praying that she would eventually learn to sleep on her own.

Two months old.

She sure did learn! But you know what, as I was rocking her to sleep the other night and staring at her beautiful face… all I could think was, I’m really going to miss being able to hold you this way. There will be a last time.

There will be a last time she snuggles into me and needs momma to rock her to sleep.

There will be a last time she needs to nurse for comfort.

There will be a last time she becomes upset when I leave the room.

There will be a last time I need to pull her into bed with me at 4am because she won’t go back to sleep any other way.

There will be a last time she is upset going to someone else and only wants me.

There will be a last time she needs me to carry her.

Eventually, which will come in the blink of an eye, she is going to be an independent little girl, who doesn’t need her mommy in the way she does now. That growth will be beautiful, but bitter.

There will be a last time for it all.

So for now. I will rock her. I will nurse her. I will spend all the time with her I can. I will let her crash in our bed at 4am. I will scoop her up when she needs me. Because one day my heart will ache for this time when she so easily snuggles into my arms and is completely content just snoozing on momma. đź’•

Two weeks old. 

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