A Mother’s Son

I was scared to have a boy. I felt like my bond and connection came naturally with my daughter, but was anxious there would be some great divide with my son. “I don’t know what to do with a boy!” Once he was born that feeling was a fleeting memory. Instant connection. He has been the best addition to our family and I just cannot get enough of him. Turns out, bonds come naturally with boys too. Shocking, I know.

My daughter has been asking to complete a princess exercise video we found on YouTube multiple times a day this past week. It’s a really fun video and has been a great way to get her energy out, inside, while it’s frigid temperatures outside. The first day, we completed the 15 minute class three times and my booty was sore for as many days. One of the easier exercises (read NOT the glitter squats) is pretending to ballroom dance.

My 15 month old son is in a phase, that started at birth, where I am not allowed to set him down. Not. Ever. So we danced together. Twirling around our living room, I felt a lump form in my throat at the thought of dancing with him at his wedding. Of giving away my precious baby boy.

Why a mother’s mind always jumps to these images, I do not know. I guess it’s because deep down we realize how fast our time with our children will go before they leave the nest. We hear so much about “Daddy’s girls” and we talk about how protective father’s will be of their daughters as they become of age to date and eventually marry. How giving away their daughters will be one of the hardest things they do. I do not doubt this for a moment. What about a mother’s son though? What about the bitter sweet sadness we feel as we watch them dance into their new life with their bride?

What about my little boy who captured my heart the moment he was placed in my arms. My little boy I have spent endless hours rocking, nursing and singing to. My little boy who cries out and clings to me for comfort, will one day cling to his wife, as he is meant to. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Matthew 19:5, CSB.

What about my little boy, whose bumps and scrapes are made all better with mommas snuggles. Whose double dimple smile melts my heart as he runs and explores with reckless abandon. The little boy who nestles in next to momma all night so he can dream in comfort. Whose face has been kissed a million times over. He will grow and mature and one day he will find comfort without me, as we pray they will do!

Do you pray for your child’s future spouse? I try and do this as often as I remember. I pray that they are God loving and fearing. That they will be loyal, compassionate and hardworking partners to my children. I also pray that God guides me to raise children who will espouse these same traits for their husband and wife. It may seem crazy to some. Why as a mother whose oldest child is only three, I already think about and get knots in the pit of my stomach about “giving” either of my children away. 

Part of the reason is simple. I know I’m going to wake up one day and both my children will be grown. I remember being astonished when my daughter was my sons age. I couldn’t believe she had been with us for over a year. I went to bed, woke up and we had our son and now HE is almost 16 months old! I’m afraid next time I wake up he will be 16 years old!

Some days I long for my kids to be older and more, not totally, independent of me. Yet, all it takes is my son sighing in contentment while I rock him for yet another nap to know these are the golden moments. As frustrating and exhasuting as they can seem some days. They are perfection.

So when the days get overwhelming. When your child will not let you set them down. When you can’t go to the bathroom on your own. When you haven’t had a chance to shower in days. When you aren’t sure how you will function on yet another night of terrible sleep. When stepping away from your children for even a moment causes them to break into tears. Try and remember this is just a moment. I am not perfect at this either and certainly let the overwhelm consume me some moments.

Once I come through those moments. Once I can breathe again. I can appreciate and soak in the chaotic with the calm. I can pause to remember that one day their eyes will be captured by someone else. One day they will be dancing with another. One day they will no longer be dancing in the living room with momma.