Loneliness. That’s what I feel as I sit here alone in my daughters room.
We just spent almost two hours working together to get her to sleep in her crib. I find it so disheartening how our sleep is right now. Just a few short months ago we could go through our bedtime routine, I would plop her down in the crib and she would fall asleep. When she’d wake up in the night, we would nurse and go right back to bed.
Then the first molar started coming in, back in May which feels like three years ago instead of three months ago. Since then she has gotten five more teeth and is now working on two more molars. I know it’s the shortest of chapters in her childhood. I know everyone goes through this.
What nobody tells you before you become a mother is how lonely these seasons can feel. How exhaustion will make you question everything. You will feel like a failure as a mom. You will feel like you are doing absolutely everything wrong. I’m her mother, shouldn’t my presence alone be of comfort?
Some nights, you will feel so lonely in it all. Even though rationally you know thousands of moms are struggling in the trenches with you right now. I’ve never felt more alone, frustrated and disheartened than when I’m in my daughters room struggling to help her sleep.
I have no qualms about rocking her, co-sleeping with her or giving her what she needs during the night. Part of my parenting philosophy includes tending to my child’s needs during the night. Just because it’s dark doesn’t mean she suddenly shouldn’t need me for 12 hours straight . But, wow, can the late hours feel lonely.
I write this to feel some catharsis, because alone in her room I have no one to release the emotions that want to erupt out of me. Maybe some commiseration with other moms (and dads) who are in the trenches too can read this and know you may feel lonely, but you aren’t alone. Just like all the hard seasons, eventually this one will fade away and be but a faint memory.