In 15 of the longest, shortest days, baby brother will be joining our family.
This pregnancy has seemed to stretch on forever as all things 2020 have. While also going as fast as my toddler when she is attempting to sprint away with something she knows she shouldn’t have.
I think children have an innate sense when things are about to change drastically. My daughter has been loving her independence in her “big girl bed” the past few months. As I grow more massive by the day and baby brother continues taking up more and more space, it’s as if she senses her time with unrestricted access to mommy is fleeting. The past several days she has wanted to come into bed and snuggle. As uncomfortable as it makes me physically, my heart craves it. I just want to pause time and soak her sweetness in. Her soft head, her gentle smell, the feel of her chubby hand holding on to me.
As I was snuggling with her in bed the other morning, all I could think was how much I’ll miss this. Soon I will be adjusting to the push and pull of balancing two little loves. The stress of wanting to be 110% there for both children is an ever looming reality, one I know will not always able to do. One I know will be a struggle.
With the addition of another so close, overwhelming thoughts tumbled in as I lay there and watched her sleep. I can’t help but wonder will I still be able to spend precious, quiet moments with her? Will she feel replaced? Abandoned? Neglected? How can I convince her that we could have 50 babies and the amount of love I have for her wouldn’t decrease in the least bit?
Sometimes I catch myself holding my breath when I picture us expanding to a family of six, our labs are included in the count. I feel as if I am bracing myself and wishing for the storm of change to pass quickly. Rushing around, attempting to check off all my to do list. Then I get these moments of peace, little God winks as I like to think of them. He is gently whimpering to me to embrace it. To not rush past this chapter. To not overlook the beautiful messy moments that are ahead for our family as our family and hearts grow and expand.
When I force myself to push aside the desire to strain for perfection, it allows for space for excitement of what the future holds for our family. I know there will be trials and tribulations, as anyone who knows you are expecting your first or fifth child loves to share their horror stories with you (that’s another blog post completely). Instead of focusing on this, I am working hard to put myself in the mindset of embracing the oncoming chaos. There will be days, many of them, that I fail at this, I know that. For today and for the next 15 days though, I am choosing to soak up every spare moment I have with my daughter and shower her with love. In a blink she will be a big sister and I know she will be wonderful, even on the hardest days.